The Challenging Month of May

May has been quite the month. It always seems to be. There's so many good things that happen (Kierra's birthday being one), but then there's also often trials we encounter, and of course the reminder of pains that we endured in the past.

The irony that this all occurs in the month of May does not escape me. Spring is supposed to be the time of new beginnings, right? Yet the month seems to always be a time of new beginnings, sometimes endings, and then reflections on the past. I'm often left in a strange mood like I am today. It's hard to put it fully in words. I'm sort of melancholy, but also there is hope and excitement underlying somewhere in there. I tend to withdraw a bit. My communication with other people tends to become more superficial if I even do communicate with anyone outside the immediate family. This year, I was trying to change that with this blog. I wanted to try to get those emotions out that are often very difficult for me to verbally express.

I don't even know if I'm making much sense. I feel like I'm rambling. I apologize for that! ;)

I'm left thinking of all those big questions that we often don't really want to think about. I even worry I have become a bit death-obsessed lately. It happened the first time when my dad died. I was always worried if someone took longer coming home than usual. I've gotten a lot better over the years, but I feel those fears creeping up on me again. I worry about something happening to me. I don't feel ready to go anytime soon, but yet I worry that it might happen. And then I worry what that might do to my family. My fears next center on my husband. What if something happened to him? I go through every member of my family, until I realize how morbid my thoughts are and force myself to do something else to get my mind off of it.

Soon we will be into summer and all the events that come with it. I'm sure I'll get busy and most of these morbid thoughts will fade away again. Or maybe not? This year seems to be a big one of change. I don't know yet if the overall change will be for the better or for the worse yet, though. Guess I'll just have to try to hang on to every shred of optimism that I have left.

I wanted to write more, and am hoping what I wrote even makes sense, but I have to go take care of the kids now. I guess I will leave this here for now, and concentrate on the treasures in my life for now. :)